Day 7: Enough is Enough

Some days are diamonds some days are stone...today my thoughts are all over the place as to what to write but I know there is one subject that has eating me up for ages...the thought that I felt for many of my early years...this one thought consumed me in my teens, my twenties and my thirties but it hasn't been until my forties that I think I have finally put that thought to bed...
I used to think that I was not enough...I am sure every woman on earth has thought this in some faze of their life or another...even if it was just a fleeting thought...just for one moment or just for one day. 

I used to think (as a teenager) my size 12 body was enormous and never good enough, my hair wasn't long enough, my boobs weren't big enough, I was not talented enough, I wasn't cool enough...not like my ever so trendy older sister who had all the boyfriends. Not to mention my very pretty friends from my youth group who either danced ballet, played multiple instruments, sang like a character out of a Disney movie, were athletic, great at home economics, super intelligent, or all of the above and looked like a supermodel when we went to the beach in the size 8 swim suits. Nope I definitely felt like I was not enough. I had the short 80's hair style, you know the pixi cut that looked so trendy in the magazines but failed to translate on my head. I had a pimply face, I felt I was the  tag along friend to the pretty group. I honestly felt like the sympathy friend. 

When my family moved to to the country in my later adolescent years life slightly improved...no girls in my church youth group to compare myself to, still I really had doubts that I was enough. 
When I met my blindman I was told mean words by others in my peer group at school that I won't repeat but it was comments that at the time I decided to take to heart...once again I robbed myself of ever feeling like I was of worth. Even though my Husband picked me I still felt not enough...for starters I was 18 when I got married so I never felt old enough. 

happy snap at a concert of the Blindmans wife and her loving husband

These feeling continued into my 20's. I allowed my life to be consumed with feelings of inadequacy...not being able to give birth naturally, having children who were not your subservient kind, ones who challenged me most days. I felt many times that although I could make things work on a tight budget my efforts were never good enough. As a stay at home mum, my blindman miraculously worked as a waste water consultant to the local council. Those days at home were isolating and depressing, the days were endless and relentlessly long, changing nappies, breast feeding, washing, cooking and cleaning, shopping and teaching my little brewed of 3 under the age of 4. Why was I not enjoying life I often wondered. I always thought this would have been the best time in my life...but it really was struggle street. Many a cold morning I would have to be at 5am to pack the children into the car and drive my husband to the waste water plant for work and back home to tuck the girls back into bed for another hour or two sleep whiles I set up the house for the day ahead. Then I had to get through the day with little girls and other neighbourhood kids I would baby-sit. I felt like "Mrs Hanigan" from the musical Annie when she sand her song "Little girls" Of course people assumed that because I was a trained child care worker that I really enjoyed my days at home with my girls but I felt I was never doing enough. Was I teaching my children enough, was I playing with the children enough, was I keeping the house clean enough, did I feed my children nutritious enough food coupled with thoughts of was I still sexy enough even though my body had given birth at this stage to three caesarian babies 
 In my thirties my feelings intensified, what if I can't earn enough because by now I was the main breadwinner due to Deano going back to university. Was I supporting his needs enough. Was I still attractive enough. Did I help my kids with their homework enough and was I spending enough time with my 4th and baby of the family now that I was working full time. 

In my late thirties  I questioned weather I did a good enough job bringing up my daughters now they were teenagers, have I saved enough money, have I given myself in service to others enough, have I prayed enough, and the list goes on... I felt  like the tragic words of Kasey Chambers song were about me...Äm I not pretty Enough...was my mantra
Not Pretty Enough By Kasey Chambers

Today I met a woman who had been suppressed  in her thinking for many years and she said to me "you know I'm one of those women you read about, the one who gets to age 40 and boom they change everything about their life."

Recently I have learnt to change my thoughts...I have been on a path of self discovery a path that had lead to one answer...life is too short to think I am not enough. I went to a Drs appointment early this year and had a breast scan. The Dr found a small number of unusual cells and quickly had me undergo a procedure to remove the mass. At the same time in my life I went to a seminar with the one and only Anthony Robbins. At this seminar I discovered the path to my own happiness...I have decided that life is too short and to quote something I shared with a friend of mine today "Love your life, take pictures of everything. Tell people you love them. Talk to random strangers. Do things you are scared to do. Because many of us die and no one remembers a thing we did. Take your life and make it the best damn story in the whole world. Don't waste it!"

Unlike the movies where the 40 year old woman gives up her former life I have learnt that I don't have to change everything in my life just one thing....my thoughts, "because you know "I am enough!" And what I think about myself is now is so liberating. Yes I care about whether I am attractive still but let's put this into perspective ladies...my husband is blind so I am pretty damn lucky don't you agree...he will never see this fine lines around my eyes and my skin as it droops...he always has seen me as enough and for that I am blessed. 

He loves me just the way I am