Toilet Humour

People often tell me that they just don’t believe me when I tell them that Deano is blind. “But He copes so well…or how can He do so much?” Are both common comments that if I had a dollar for every time I have heard them I would be very rich indeed!

But just as I shared a very embarrassing moment in my last post Dean has had some doozies that have been caused by him faking being able to see. One in particular sticks out in my mind. We were on a family holiday with our new camper trailer hooked up to the tow bar. We had taken the coast road from Lismore to the Gold Coast on what seemed like a never ending stretch of coastal road with no views for miles other than bush scrub out the right window and sclerophyll sand dunes through the left and a ribbon of hot steamy road ahead.

With the fuel meter tipping down low I pulled into a lone service station with the remainder of what seemed like every holidaying family in the world all queuing to fill their thirsty tanks. The day was hotter than an outback lizard under carriage and I wasn’t the best truckie at the time with only a few hours of experience towing a trailer behind the car. I managed to get the car and trailer into the line-up for the outside petrol pump…you know it…the one closet to the road, so that I didn’t have to do any tricky turns or even more embarrassing, unhook the trailer and do the walk of shame in order not to hit anything in my towing path. In our little car with the air-conditioning on full ball I hear a little voice from the back seat…”I need to do a wee wee Mummy” This was a darling number 3 daughter who was 18 months old and had just graduated into big girls pants.

Alarm bells rang in my head…what is a woman to do…I am not a miracle queen…I can’t get out of the petrol pump line…and I can’t let my little toddler down…she relied on me as did all the other occupants of the car and those in the line behind me.

I turned and faced my husband who was blissfully unaware of my dilemma listening to the radio as we crept along in the line. Until now having three daughters toilet duty was a mummy thing, especially when we were out and about, you hardly ever see a man taking their daughter to the male toilet do you? What else could I do? I looked at him and said in a stern and a little stressed voice…”Well it’s your turn I just can’t do it all. Can you please take child number three to the toilet in the petrol station. Child number one (who was 5 at the time) can lead you to the door of the bathroom and you will have to find your way to a toilet from there.” Without a choice my blind husband unlocked the girls out of their car seats and walked with child number three over his shoulder and child number 1 holding his hand and guiding him to the bathroom.

Meanwhile it was my time to fill up the car at the petrol bowser. I got out of the car and started the flow into the tank. Clunk. The tank indicated it was full so I took child number 2 out of the car and paid for the petrol and came back to my car to find that the toilet mission had a successful outcome for child number 3….but not so much for my poor husband who had put the girls back in their car seats and was now almost lying on the floor in the front seat of the car, his body slouched down with head leaning almost on my lap and his hand over his face. “Can we just get out of here?” He demanded in an impatient manner. I looked at him bewildered. I wondered what had happened, had he robbed the store, had one of the kids played in toilet water…my mind boggled.

“Can we just GO PLEASE!!!?” With that I put my pedal to the metal and we hit the road…but as I drove I was compelled to inquire what had gotten his goat? He started to compose himself and as he did he turned his head in my direction and firmly said to me “Don’t you ever ask me to take the girls to the toilet ever again, I have never been so embarrassed in all my life.”

What could possibly go so wrong, I was so perplexed at his state…”What went down Babe?”

His response is one I will never forget “When child number one led me to the male bathroom I felt around for the door the cubical. With my hand out-stretched to try and feel the hard door but instead of a cold hard feeling my fingertips brushed up against a warm soft bum! You see there were no cubical doors and I just touched a man up on his BOTTOM while he was standing in front of the toilet trying to pee”

“What happened next Hun?” was my immediate response, as I tried to hold back the roar of laughter that was welling up inside me,  just so he could manage to get the rest of the story out before I completely fell apart in fits of giggles.

“All I heard was the man pulling up his pants, and  zipping up his fly, he turned around and said “Mate you put me off!” Not sure what He was thinking cause he did not know I was blind,  as I didn’t have a cane,  and I was holding a little girl over my shoulder. I think that was the only reason he did not job me one!”

From that moment I laughed all the way to the Gold Coast, I giggled on and off through the evening and I think I laughed even in my sleep. No I wasn’t laughing at Deano…just the absurdity of the whole situation. It has been one of those stories that we tell dinner guests who ask Dean how much he can see…Its one of the stories that we both laugh about today.

We managed to enjoy the rest of our camping trip and yes I did all of the toileting trips from then on in even with our daughter number four.

We did however sell that camper trailer after that holiday as we knew that we never wanted to have to be stuck at that petrol station ever again!