Addressing the ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM: ME

So I just have to address the ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM- ME!
Just to letting you that we have recently moved house are settling in well in our new stake ( for those who are not Mormon a stake is a large group of people that attend church within a certain geographical area) ...just wanted to share with you today's enlightening experience...not for me but for those seated around me in conference..it was one of those surreal moments that you dream about in your worst most embarrassing nightmares. Elder Keith Walker of the Seventy  ( again for those who are not Mormon this is a man who holds ecclesiastical authority over the Australia pacific are of the church) went overtime and I was dying to go to the toilet, you know you've been there, when your kidneys start to ache because you have held it in for so long. Wearing a floor lengths skirt I said to Dean I will slip out just after the final speaker and before the closing hymn...I shuffled past Dean but his foot was on my skirt as I stood it in the hallway my skirt dropped to the floor!

 Did I mention we were sitting up near the front of the chapel...Mission president and new temple president were sitting up on the stand and so were all of Dean's siblings and in-laws in the choir...and the chapel was packed with over 1500 people....sharing with you because just thought you would get a laugh like everyone else this morning. On the upside Lorin ( Deano's Brother who is also legally blind) who in the Stake presidency could not see my mishap...and neither could Dean so at least I know two people didn't enjoy my spectacular exit!

Looking down at the fabric that once was my clothing about my loins now lying at my ankles I bent over as quick as I could yanked it back up my legs and held it close to my waist and walked as swiftly bust as reverently as I could to the nearest exit....The girls tell me that there were people gasping"Did you see that lady her skirt just fell off" but to me I was in an utter daze of shock. 

As I sat on the toilet to relieve my bladder ....nothing....nothing.... and then finally a tinkle...WHAT! I was expecting Niagra falls...the shame! Not only had I lost my skirt and now my mind and my bladder was holding out on me too. After having 4 children it doesn't take much for me to wet my pants, a sneeze, jumping up and down, running with a full bladder will do it but amazingly enough when one is exposed in church the bladder decides to hold on!

As I sat on the toilet in utter shock I started to giggle...I couldn't hold it in. I laughed so hard that when our daughter number 4 came looking for me her worried face turned into laughter too...she brought me the car keys and we walked to the car laughing all the way. I rang my sister who shared the laughter with me... I mean when something so absurd happens to me all I can do is own it and laugh!

The pubic affairs Director for the church was released today so Dean said on the Upside He feels that he has divine inspiration that I wont be called as the new Public Affairs Director, ....gotta look for the upsides when things are falling down around you

At least I am in the ranks of Jennifer Hawkins...it happens to the best of us

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wkUjS5v4dx0

Mortdale Public School 30 Year Reunion....those were the days my friend :)

It's been a while since I have blogged and I have many people asking me to return to writing my experiences. Last night I had a 30 year reunion with all my primary school friends. Growing up in Sydney it was highly unusual that you would go to a co-ed high school. All my friends after year 6 were girls as I attended an all-girls high school. Luckily enough though I have some great friends that are rather nostalgic and organised a reunion with both the girls boys I grew up with until we parted ways at the age of 12. It was a tremendous evening with love, life and laughter shared. Four of our past teachers were there. We were sharing our life events, showing photos of our children and sharing lovely stories of life experiences.

Everyone seemed to be fascinated that I had chosen to marry a blind man. Mrs Dixon my year three teacher had been reading my blog and had seemed touched by my story. In a conversation between her and Mrs Dwyer I shared with them my thoughts of really being prepared for my journey back in the days of primary school. You see Mortdale Public School has never been just an ordinary primary school. In my school yard there was a meld of Croatian, Serbian, Greek, Italian, Macedonian Vietnamese and a few of us left over children decadents from convict genealogy. Not only did we meld together our friendships and learnt to get along we were also from different religious background, some atheists, Mormon, Anglican, Catholic, Roman Catholic, Seventh Day Adventists, Jehovah’s Witness, and I am sure there are a few more that I didn't even really know about. Thrown into this mixing pot of kids there were children that had special needs both in my classroom and also in an adjoining special needs school known as Carinya. At the rear of the school there was an intense specialist English as a Second Language School and children with language delays attended the school here for intense reading and writing classes. One of my sisters attended this part of the school due to a language delay.
At lunch time our school yard was shared with children at all ages and stages of development. One teacher, Mrs Dwyer, remembered how amazed she was that the Croatian boys would play football in one direction in the yard and the Serbian children would play soccer in the other direction but cross over the same play space harmoniously as the games were played simultaneously.
For myself I loved helping the special needs children climb in and out of the timber play house and was a nominated helper often at lunch times to keep an eye on some of the children with special needs to give assistance when needed. I also really loved playing tips in the yard and catch and kiss was also a favourite game.
It was so kind of my past teachers to tell me I was a good girl in class. I always thought I was perhaps a little too talkative as all of my report cards from kindy until year 12 said "Janelle has potential but tends to talk too much in class" I had a hidden suspicion that they sat me next to boys in class so I wouldn't talk too much. But my teacher Mrs Ingram memories have drawn a little thin and tell me it was probably the boys that were naughty and needed to be sat next to a good child...how sweet of her to say.
I can easily say that my life was prepared right from the beginning with loving teachers in a great inclusive environment so when I met Dean and found out that he was blind it really didn't cross my mind to not be with him because of his disability. It was just a normal thing to do...to have him as my friend, lover and companion for life has enriched my journey, and taught me many lessons along the way. I am no super woman just an ordinary person with an irregular passion for life, dragging my life long partner in crime along with me, for the ride. Inclusiveness in society is the key...it should be a normal part of life right from the beginning so it's not an amazing thing to meet a woman who chose to marry a blind man. I suppose life is not idealistic and so my story will still strike some people as unusual.

Footprints on my heart forever

My weekend has consisted of travelling to far North Queensland to promote our pedal go kart hire company at an industry conference. Whist being away, for the first time on my own for many years it gave me a chance to catch up with an old friend from my teenage years over dinner. Yvonne and I were both Mormon youth girls in Sydney when we were young we went on many girls camps together and enjoyed hanging out with a common group of friends at church youth dances and church religious instructional evenings known by members as 'firesides' ( named because the Mormon pioneers would gather together at night by he fire to have religious discussions and religious music to boy each other up during the many trials they suffered walking across the plains) 
We have only just started to rekindle our friendship due to the miracle of Facebook and my new opportunity to expand our business in her part of this beautiful country. It was a blustery evening with rain coming down in small gusts of wind, we closed the shutters on the window where the waiter had seated us and pleasantly reminisced about our early years and filled each other in on the gaps between losing contact and what our families were dealing with today. Yvonne said she had been keeping up with my blog and truly loved reading it( which was so kind of her to say) but as our night drew on we came to a kind of sensitive issue that I have not yet blogged about and really haven't given it too much of my energy until this point as for me it was a truly hard time in my journey. 
Our conversation turned to having children, Yvonne has a large tribe of 6 beautiful children, and I have my 4 girls that I adore but I did have 5 pregnancies and in this blog I will tell you about my first child, the little I know about this much wanted baby, and how the conception of this child changed my life forever.
After Dean and I had been married for just over a year I fell pregnant. I was in my second year of school and Deano was studying in his final year. Being only 19 at the time I thought I was invincible. We were both pretty excited about the news. Being fit and within a healthy weight range for my height and at the time The scans were showing me as was 13 weeks pregnant.  I was a leader in Young Women's youth group in our area. We had planned to take the Young Women to a camp in the Gold Coast hinterland and as part of this camp the girls and leaders were encouraged to go on the hike to the top of a very steep mountain. I was the youngest of all the leaders and so it was expected of me that I would set the example and go on the hike. In previous days the mountain had been drenched by rain and the would be track had dried out a little and turned the usually soft soil into thick gluggy mud that stuck 2 inches thick to the soles of out shoes. The hike was 7 kilometres uphill and at times it was so hard to take one step in front of the other without losing your shoe due to the suction of the thick mud or because of the grade of the hill. At times reading out for tree branches and pulling myself forward with my arms was the only way to prop myself up the hill. 
Once we reached the peak it truly was a magnificent sight. With at least 60 young women at the top we watched the sun rise and gave thanks for this beautiful world that we had been blessed with. Together we shared our testimonies and joined in songs of praise. It was a hard climb but a glorious moment that I will never forget. I remember being so thirsty once I got to the top that I downed almost the whole 2 litres of water that I had carried with me on my journey. 
On my return the decent down hill was awkward indeed but after we reached a certain point in the hike the ground started to level off in steepness and it became easier to walk. My bladder now being full was not agreeable to me taking my time to get back to base camp so with urgency I began to run in order to get back and relieve some tension. Running the final 3kilometres and finding the porta potties being my final goal for the morning gave me such joy only a mother that has been pregnant or has had several pregnancies would understand!
Later on that day not feeling so well and putting it all down to exhaustion it was time to pack up camp. Struggling to get my gear in the car I drove home quietly and getting into my bed after such a huge day I had never been so grateful to have a warm soft place to lay my weary body and a hubby who would cuddle me as I drifted off to La la Land. 
Life went as normal for the next 4 weeks. I went to college and Deano went to uni as our usual way of life at this stage. I was I a lecture when I started to feel an unusual feeling. The type of cramping that I would usually have when it was that time of the month. I took myself off to the bathroom and to my utter dismay I found myself spotting. Thinking this was not a good sign I went straight over the road to see my older sister who worked as a beauty therapist in a nearby salon. My sister and I were not super close but when it comes to our health it seems it has been that we have been there for each other through out our life. Quickly she responded and had me at the local Doctor to see what was happening. Sending me for scans we leaned that the baby I was carrying now just into my 17th week of pregnancy had I fact died 4 weeks earlier. The Doctor was gentle when she broke the news to me, with consoling words and explanations that it was often life's way of weeding out babies that are not fully formed or that could  have been born with complications of one type or another. She almost made it sound that although I was sad I should have been grateful not to have been burdened with a child with a disability. My sister came through for me taking me to the hospital picking Dean up from University and organising clothing and all my temporal needs, showing me that although we had not agreed on everything in the past she really did care and love me, to this day I will ever be thankful that she is my sister.
But the story of this child does not end there, once I got to the Lismore Base hospital the room that they put me in was in the children's ward, I shared my room with a 12 year old girl. I was puzzled why I was in the children's ward but up on asking a nurse she explained to me as I was 19 they considered me a child. My operation was booked for 9am the next day to remove my unborn child. All night I was made to listen to cries of sick children, ones who were ill enough to be in hospital, some were new borns, and others were toddlers with their mothers staying to hold their little hands, wipe away their tears, blow their noses, feed them and do what mothers do best, hug and love their children. I felt the deepest sense of loss. Laying all night thinking why would this happen to me? Why would they put me in this part of the hospital, what do I have to learn from this, and remembering back to the camp I had been on in the thirteenth week of my trimester I felt such an intense feeling of guilt rush over me because what if hiking that day had caused my baby to die.  Even now with a tear in my eye I sit on the plane back to Brisbane and those feelings come back to me and bring a tear to my eye. 
The hospital discharges me a few hours after my operation. Not one doctor or nurse told me anything about my baby, I will never know in this life what sex my child  was, what happened to my baby's body after birth and why my baby had died. 
Being young and traumatised I didn't ask any questions either. I just wanted to be out of that hospital room with all those babies as quick as I could and I wanted my life to be normal again. It took some time for me to heal but I did and it made me a strong person for it.
One thing is for sure, I know that I have a family that is sealed for time and all eternity, I will get the chance to be this child's mother, maybe not on this earth but I believe I will have a time in the worlds to come. I believe that my role as a mother to my 4 daughters has been made more precious because of my little gone before soul and I have taken my role as a mother more serious than ever because the worth of each soul is great in he eyes of our Heavenly Father...even the smaller ones.

Biking it the Liam Neeson way

"Don't forget your wallet" was what I was prompted to say to Deano as he walked out the front door and started to push his bike up the hill to ride to school and catch a lecture for the morning. Money was always tight and although we had a car we had to watch how much we spent on petrol. Deano still enjoyed riding his pushie so was happy to ride his way to university helping him to stay fit and active and independent. Forgetting that he is blind for just one moment he laughed at me when I insisted " I just have a prompting to tell you to take your wallet" to which he replied "Why I have no money?" And with a flippant grin I responded "Just do it for me...you never know you might get hit by a bus!"
That morning was early march...we had moved house and now lived on the downside of a hill on the outskirts of the city of Lismore. The rent was a little cheaper but so were the diggs. The unit smelt like stale smoke and the man that lived in the apartment above us had a nervous disorder where he made an explosive noise that was thrust deep from his guttural base of his bowels and exploded out of his mouth every five to to 10 minutes or so, like someone was shunting him with the heimlich manoeuvre.  The only time the noise would cease was when he was asleep. Lucky for us he was aged and not a party animal who stayed up to all hours of the night. 
So there I was reading text books at my desk which butted up to large misty window overlooking our overgrown common garden. All was quiet apart from the grunting coming from the man upstairs. It was that quiet that I literally could hear crickets long before it was a joke! With my mind on early childhood ages and stages of development and Freudian theories and the like, to my surprise from the corner of my eye I spy my husband limping down the path, wearing a torn bloodied shirt, broken helmet in one hand, bent and buckled front wheel of his bike in the other. So many questions ran through my mind but the ones that stood out the most was...where was the rest of your bike and how much damage did you do to the bus?
Of course that was not the first thing I said to him ( I do know how to show some restraint and compassion at times) and of course I asked Deano what happened in the most compassionate way that I could muster...followed by...I told you to take your wallet....I knew something would happen today...I was prompted!
I guess you want to know what actually happened to my poor blind man. Deano was doing his usual, riding his way home down the side of the mountain with his eyes firmly fixed on the white line when a car backing out of a driveway failed to see Dean on his death defying mission home. With Deano careering down the hill, wind in his hair, the silver bullet of a bike comes to an abrupt holt collecting the passenger door of the sedan. Deano and the bike begin his first open air acrobatic display flying over the top of the  of the car and like a pro tucking and rolling landing on the back of his backpack and propelling forward ending this manoeuvre in a squat position on his feet. 
For his Ciurqu-du-Soleil efforts Deano was offered a ride home by the distraught driver, a broken write-off of a bike and a few life long scars on his lower back where the road chew through his shirt and his epidermal layer covering each vertebrae on his lumbar. 
What did we learn from this experience? (you might be asking)... I learnt that listening to spiritual promptings, you know the thoughts hat come to you just out if the blue or the inner voice that prompts you to say or do something you would not have done otherwise, no matter how weird, follow that advise. It is powerful!
If I was to ask Deano what he learnt from this event I am sure there were a couple of teaching moments...the bike helmet and back pack saved his life, his wife is in tune with promptings and last but not least...don't leave home without your wallet!

Pay it Forward

After struggling for 6 months getting to University classes, library, shopping and church without a car a mystery cheque came to us in the mail. The cheque was for the value of $2500. The letter that accompanied this grand sum stated that it was given with love from an undisclosed relative who had watched our struggles and knew we needed a car. Wow just wow, this was so out of the blue, not expected and I will be forever grateful. I was always told that by paying a full tithing that I would always be blessed and this really was a blessing I just didn't see coming. That sounds a little weird to those not of my faith but all my life I have been taught that by donating a tenth of my income to back to The Lord then I will be blessed to have enough for my needs and enough to help others. I read the book "Rich Man Poor Man" by Robert kiyosaki in my young adult years and also have attended seminars by other wealthy people such as Anthony Robbins and they seem to say the same thing. If you donate 10%of your income to charity then you will be a wealthy person indeed.
This I have found to be true. Not that my husband and I have been millionaires or even truly monetary wealthy but we have always had enough for our needs and enough to share with others by practicing this principle and along the way we have had our prayers answered when we were in times of need and when we did not even consider that we were needy special blessings have come into our life like the money for our first car. 
So there we were for the first time we felt the love of a all knowing Heavenly Father who had prompted someone to watch over and take care of us. 
I always wanted a small car one that was nothing like the huge  four wheel drive or Hiace van that my parents had thought me to drive in. I didn't really take into consideration what Deano would have liked to be seen driving in as I was the driver and we'll you know He was the passenger. I had walked past the same car yard probably every day for 6 months and there was a little car on the lot that took my eye. It was a 2 door, 1977, white, Honda Civic. The price tag was $2499.00 what are the odds. It felt so good being able to walk in and sign the cheque over to the salesman. 
Driving away with the windows down and the wind in my hair literally, no air conditioning in this little beauty. I felt a sense of freedom. That's what paying tithing has done for me. It really has given me my freedom, a freedom to be blessed and in return bless others. That little car was mine for the first 4 years that I was married, it moved us from house to house from state to state and carried many opportunities to serve my friends and neighbours as we gave lifts to others, helped friends move house, it helped me in service opportunities in the church where I volunteered in positions such as youth group leader and transported meals to those in need. 
I have had people not of my faith say to me that 10% of our income is so much to pay, but I feel like it is such a bargain. I have gained so much more than what that money could have bought and at times when it has been a real test of my faith because my budget has been tight I have learnt to pay it anyway as I can truly testify that through sacrifice comes magnificent blessings...how on earth does a blind man study not one but two degrees, run his own business and have his own house...and a wife and four daughters, and still has enough to share...I say it's because we pay tithing. 

Best day of the year-Mother's Day

Mother's Day brings great memories for me of when my girls were so very little and just adored their Mother. They would wake me with the clinking sounds of children and their Dad busy in the kitchen making me breakfast in bed. It was and still is the only day of the year I really enjoy. The only day I am not reminded I am a year older, and unlike Christmas and Easter I am not expected to get out of bed early and make everyone else's day special. 
Well before the pitter patter of little feet in our house I had to make some decisions of what to study. I really wanted to be something in the corporate world..a CEO of something or other in a big office overlooking a beautifully laid out city. My parents had always instilled in me that I was the born leader of the family and I had the nick name of Bossy B#tch by my non-member Dad...but he affectionately shortened that to BB along the way. 
My new life choice of getting married so young had me thinking about my future family more and more and after careful consideration it was decided that office life was not going to be my path. I chose to learn about children and to complete an Associate Diploma in Social Science (Child Studies), my new husband had already started his second year of his Environmental Science degree. I knew one of us should learn how to deal with what lay ahead of us so that we could cope with the brood, Dean had suggested that were going to be part of this union, one day as we were driving along in my Mum's Hiace van. 
During my studies I spent time practicing being a mum to other peoples children. I learnt how to write awesome observations of children's development and to know what to expect from children's milestones and achievements. I absorbed as much information as I could and feeling like a sponge I took in as much practical knowledge as possible. 
The birth of each of our four girls was something we both looked forward to. Our first pregnancy was the trickiest with her being 2 weeks overdue and having to be induced and later on born by Caesarian section after 12 hour labour was not fun. 
Due to my complications with my first pregnancy the following three children were all born Caesarian. They should have just installed a zipper down there, it would have been a lot easier! 
After each child was born our world turned upside down and if you knew my girls you will know why I say not a day goes by that Deano and I are not surprised in some way or another! It's certainly not a dull household, I say that we are "surprised" because at first when we had our oldest daughter grow into her teens I would have said "shocked" but now we have become accustomed to new things happening each day we just try find the silver lining in life and hold on to that as tight as we can.
Even with Deano's blindness parenting the children when they were younger was easier than it is today. No amount of reading of text  books could have prepared me for 4 teenage girls. 
We love each one of them and are thankful for each of them everyday. Each morning when we have scripture study and kneel in family prayer it is an opportunity for us to share our love for them with our Father in a Heaven and gratitude for lending us these precious souls for our life journey and into eternity. And while they are teenagers sometimes they see us as their enemy but I  suppose most teens say that about their parents but deep down inside we know they love us as much as they did when they were little because although they are a challenge we love them just the same and if not more than the day they were born. When I see each girl taking their turn at holding their Fathers's hand and guiding him through a crowded shopping centre or busy car park, or when we see them caring for someone who has a disability we know they are learning from being our children that the reason why we are on earth is to help others in need and to love one another. My heart is warmed by the affection they show to their Dad and how they will always respond to him with love even when he is reproving them for stepping out of line. (Which seems to be often now days) But most of all when my girls ask me what I want for Mother's Day the most joy I feel is when they live by my request...I just want good children and breakfast in bed! 



Sent from my iPad

One crazy afternoon

Life for a young wife was not quite what I had planned for. We moved into a unit that cost us $100 a week in rent. Considering all of our income was $300 per fortnight $200 in rent did not leave us much left over. We also faithfully paid $30 tithing to our church which is 10% of our income and what was left over was shared with food and text books for our studies. My mother would bring us meet to eat and a lovely lady from church brought us a box of bananas each week which helped theocery budget to stretch a little further. We could not afford a phone connection and used the pay phone at the service station. We lived in down town Lismore right behind the KFC so each day I would smell that golden fried chicken woft past my veranda window and into my front door but could never afford to buy any. Just as well as I could have been as big as a house! 
We lived at the base of this wok shaped city. I call it a wok because it is surrounded by beautiful mountains all around and the city itself is built right in the valley where. In the heat of summer the humidity would cook you and any breezes that would cool you were blocked by the mountains. Summer storms are a common occurrence in the afternoons.
We started our day to day living with transporting ourselves like a missionary companionship on push bikes or walking. We became experts at hanging  the grocery bags on the bicycle handles and riding through the main streets back to our humble abode. There were times I absolutely hated the ride, I was often panicked that Dean could not see well enough and would get squished by oncoming traffic. Deano however was never fazed. He had grown up with parents that encouraged both himself and his visually impaired older brother Lorin to have no fear and to go out and be and do what you want to do without their loss of this one sense to hold them back. The boys would often ride their bikes into town following the white line that marked the side of the road and use their other senses such as hearing and smell to guide their way. Living a country life they could certainly tell you when a cattle truck was approaching and passing just by the sound and smell.
Me on the other hand didn't really enjoy my buttocks sitting on the pin cushion of a bike seat.  Not being capable bike rider it became apparent to me that this part of my life journey was going to be tough.
On one such occasion I was riding my pushie following behind my hubby and to my dismay the chain fell off and the bike came to a stop. Ladened with groceries I was not a happy princess! I have a fairly loud voice and I called ahead to Dean but obviously on this stinking hot summers day he did not hear me. I felt like my world was just about to crumble. My goodly other half not seeing my dismay kept on peddling all the way home. All of a sudden I was on my own. With the night sky growing darker I sat in the gutter and cried. Surely Dean would get home and realise I am not behind him and come back and be my hero...I waited sobbing out my little heart. I was so precious about my demise that I didn't care about anyone seeing me upset as they drove by. After about 45min I realised that my knight in shining armour wasn't going to come and save me. Right there and then the pampered princess crown slipped off my head and with that I had to get some resilience about me. This was a challenge that I know most people reading this would consider a laugh and looking back it really wasn't that much of a challenge, but to me at the time with growing up having parents that had pretty much pampered me being there for all my self inflicted disasters to pick up the pieces, this was the worst feeling ever. Right there and then I learnt that I can get through challenges on my own. If Dean can do it I can do it. I picked myself up from the gutter. Collected all of my groceries and walked the bike and all the way home.
Arriving home my knight in not so shining armour was back in his room studying didn't seem worried about his damsel in distress at all...and boy was I in distress by this time. Once I had let leash my distress and not so politely blamed the whole incident on him (poor guy) ..my hero not knowing how to react to a hissy fitting crazy wife lost his cool and punched a hole in the wall...and what did I do...I stood there and laughed at the absurdity of the whole situation.  We both calmed down and today look back at this as a crazy learning afternoon, when the summer heat twisted our minds into moosh. Could we have handled this better. The answer is yes...would I start all over again and pick Dean as my companion and live in poverty for a few years again Heck yes! It's through these trials I have gained gratitude for the blessings I have today. At the time even though it was hard I was always grateful for my health, for food on my table and a roof over my head. Although I have much more worldly possessions now I still have that attitude of gratitude and accept that all that I have has been given to me by my Father in Heaven. Plus repairing that wall gave us an opportunity to learn about renovating and a taste of creating and restoring....which is something Dean and I have done now in 4 houses that we have purchased. We have been blessed indeed!