Day 7: Enough is Enough

Some days are diamonds some days are stone...today my thoughts are all over the place as to what to write but I know there is one subject that has eating me up for ages...the thought that I felt for many of my early years...this one thought consumed me in my teens, my twenties and my thirties but it hasn't been until my forties that I think I have finally put that thought to bed...
I used to think that I was not enough...I am sure every woman on earth has thought this in some faze of their life or another...even if it was just a fleeting thought...just for one moment or just for one day. 

I used to think (as a teenager) my size 12 body was enormous and never good enough, my hair wasn't long enough, my boobs weren't big enough, I was not talented enough, I wasn't cool enough...not like my ever so trendy older sister who had all the boyfriends. Not to mention my very pretty friends from my youth group who either danced ballet, played multiple instruments, sang like a character out of a Disney movie, were athletic, great at home economics, super intelligent, or all of the above and looked like a supermodel when we went to the beach in the size 8 swim suits. Nope I definitely felt like I was not enough. I had the short 80's hair style, you know the pixi cut that looked so trendy in the magazines but failed to translate on my head. I had a pimply face, I felt I was the  tag along friend to the pretty group. I honestly felt like the sympathy friend. 

When my family moved to to the country in my later adolescent years life slightly improved...no girls in my church youth group to compare myself to, still I really had doubts that I was enough. 
When I met my blindman I was told mean words by others in my peer group at school that I won't repeat but it was comments that at the time I decided to take to heart...once again I robbed myself of ever feeling like I was of worth. Even though my Husband picked me I still felt not enough...for starters I was 18 when I got married so I never felt old enough. 

happy snap at a concert of the Blindmans wife and her loving husband

These feeling continued into my 20's. I allowed my life to be consumed with feelings of inadequacy...not being able to give birth naturally, having children who were not your subservient kind, ones who challenged me most days. I felt many times that although I could make things work on a tight budget my efforts were never good enough. As a stay at home mum, my blindman miraculously worked as a waste water consultant to the local council. Those days at home were isolating and depressing, the days were endless and relentlessly long, changing nappies, breast feeding, washing, cooking and cleaning, shopping and teaching my little brewed of 3 under the age of 4. Why was I not enjoying life I often wondered. I always thought this would have been the best time in my life...but it really was struggle street. Many a cold morning I would have to be at 5am to pack the children into the car and drive my husband to the waste water plant for work and back home to tuck the girls back into bed for another hour or two sleep whiles I set up the house for the day ahead. Then I had to get through the day with little girls and other neighbourhood kids I would baby-sit. I felt like "Mrs Hanigan" from the musical Annie when she sand her song "Little girls" Of course people assumed that because I was a trained child care worker that I really enjoyed my days at home with my girls but I felt I was never doing enough. Was I teaching my children enough, was I playing with the children enough, was I keeping the house clean enough, did I feed my children nutritious enough food coupled with thoughts of was I still sexy enough even though my body had given birth at this stage to three caesarian babies 
 In my thirties my feelings intensified, what if I can't earn enough because by now I was the main breadwinner due to Deano going back to university. Was I supporting his needs enough. Was I still attractive enough. Did I help my kids with their homework enough and was I spending enough time with my 4th and baby of the family now that I was working full time. 

In my late thirties  I questioned weather I did a good enough job bringing up my daughters now they were teenagers, have I saved enough money, have I given myself in service to others enough, have I prayed enough, and the list goes on... I felt  like the tragic words of Kasey Chambers song were about me...Äm I not pretty Enough...was my mantra
Not Pretty Enough By Kasey Chambers

Today I met a woman who had been suppressed  in her thinking for many years and she said to me "you know I'm one of those women you read about, the one who gets to age 40 and boom they change everything about their life."

Recently I have learnt to change my thoughts...I have been on a path of self discovery a path that had lead to one answer...life is too short to think I am not enough. I went to a Drs appointment early this year and had a breast scan. The Dr found a small number of unusual cells and quickly had me undergo a procedure to remove the mass. At the same time in my life I went to a seminar with the one and only Anthony Robbins. At this seminar I discovered the path to my own happiness...I have decided that life is too short and to quote something I shared with a friend of mine today "Love your life, take pictures of everything. Tell people you love them. Talk to random strangers. Do things you are scared to do. Because many of us die and no one remembers a thing we did. Take your life and make it the best damn story in the whole world. Don't waste it!"

Unlike the movies where the 40 year old woman gives up her former life I have learnt that I don't have to change everything in my life just one thing....my thoughts, "because you know "I am enough!" And what I think about myself is now is so liberating. Yes I care about whether I am attractive still but let's put this into perspective ladies...my husband is blind so I am pretty damn lucky don't you agree...he will never see this fine lines around my eyes and my skin as it droops...he always has seen me as enough and for that I am blessed. 

He loves me just the way I am

Day 6 It's in the Genes

Today was a day like any other Sunday for a Mormon family. We got up, made ourselves look presentable and went to church. My life has been moulded around the teachings of the church thanks to my grandma Merle Shrimpton joining the church when she was in her early 40's.
Merle was not your typical woman. She too, like me was a mother of 4 daughters.
Born in 1918 Merle witnessed the evolution of horse and carriage to cars and trucks,  outdoor dunnies to fully flushing indoor  toilets, scrubbing boards, to wringer washers through to the washing machines we use today, milk, bread, fruit and veg delivered by horse and kart to today's massive shopping complexes, and of course the huge leaps in technology from the use of ball point pen and paper to computer and then hand held devices...what an amazing time to be alive.  

My grandparents Dating Picture

My grandma also had many talents and career changes in her life. Getting married in the Great Depression my beautiful loved Nanna was one of the first Australian female tailors. Her mother worked for a male garment maker and they live at the back of his shop. She at a young age learnt how to make a suit without a pattern. She made her own wedding dress out of suit fabric because it meant that it was more "serviceable". This was a word I'd hear time and time again when she made practical play clothes for me out of old Ostie dresses that she had found at St Vincent De Paul. My Nan would take the fabric and sew us up some sort of jump suit or church dress if the fabric was pretty enough. When I got married she recovered my hand-me-down lounge with a khaki green fabric telling me it was more "serviceable" than any other fabric. It was a little too Khaki for my liking,  but hey,  we were newly weds and had no money to replace the green baby poop coloured lounge. Gratefully I smiled and thanked her for her beautiful efforts.
As my Nanna got older she became a nurse helping her mother-in-law as she aged and also taking care of her friend who I only knew as Auntie May when she had no other place to go and  was also ageing. My loving grandma taught me to give even when there was not much to give and she always had a fantastic sense of humour.

The wedding Photo of Merle and Alfred Shrimpton

Sadly my grandfather died just after I was married 25 years ago. They were teenage sweet hearts and adored each other. After the loss of her beloved, she took up driving the red sports addition car that her husband had bought just before he passed.  Even though she had the car keys taken off her 30 years earlier due to some miss-haps in her driving skills she was determined this was her moment. My Pop, I am sure,  would have rolled in his grave had he known...or perhaps he was laughing at her looking down from heaven as she took to the streets in her lipstick red shiny machine. Nanna decided she would make the best of anything that came her way. Although she pined to be with her lover she smiled every day. 

This woman knew the value of a good laugh and just having her In the room even if she was asleep on the lounge made people around her smile (often because of the foreign noises that would come out of her petite body as she snoozed). One of the funniest memories I have of her was when my sister captured her on film just a few weeks before she left us . Nanna was wheel chair bound and started manoeuvring it towards an empty bucket that lay on the ground in front of her. She used her good leg to trying to strike the container, her voice can be heard  saying..."just let me die I'm trying to kick the bucket!"..then the film captured her looking around at our reaction and her laughing at us as our eyes widened not knowing if she was joking or being a little serious, her cackle filling the air with just pure joy at her own silliness.That's the way she lived...finding the joy in every moment. 

 When she was 90 this little old kitty decided she would pose with a real tiger to capture her momentous moment.By the age of 96 my Grannie had a Facebook page...and by the age of 97 this hip and happening woman had a blog. My Nan was almost jumping out of her nursing chair telling me that 80 people had read about her life in one post she had written overnight. Coming from a woman who had moving boxes full of her diaries and poems  that she had written about her life,  she had finally found a technology that gave her life significance and meaning because people could read her words straight away. She had found a medium to share her experiences even though she was house bound due to a stroke, this ageing lady had found a way she could have a social impact on not just her need for interactions with others but also a way she could teach others through her example, just as she had done throughout her life. In the last year of her life she made me promise her that I would start a blog. I did start that blog but life got in the way...

I like my Nanny was also a diary writer. 

Just last week my daughters were to rummaging through the boxes in the shed and found my diary collections...lots of giggles and teasing came in my direction as they read about all the past boys I crushed on. They finally came to the diary entries about my blind man. They noticed that these entries were not written in the diary but they were glued in on other paper that I had written on. Being the snooping teenagers they asked why I didn't write about Dad directly into the book...I had so many little teenage heart breaks that I was convinced that it was the bad luck diary that made the boy I had just written about break my heart...and I wasn't going to risk that with this gorgeous man. Not wanting to jinx anything I recorded the whole love affair on random prices of paper and glued them into the said diary after we got married.

So when you ask me why do I want to record my life with my blind man, as asked by my sister yesterday...my reply is because it's part of my DNA, my Grandmother asked me to do it...she felt a real need to give even after she was gone and I believe I am fulfilling her wish and in doing so connecting with others and validating their struggles by sharing my own and in the process teaching others how we have made the best of a blessed life even if it's not perfect.

My Grandmother Merle and my 4 daughters with me visiting her just before she passed away last year. See even in her 98th year she had a twinkling smile

Day 5: The Poison Chalice

Every morning my blindman makes me a fresh pot of herbal loss leave tea. He pours it into the tea pot and scalds his finger tip daily just to measure when to stop pouring...now that's what I call love. 
Knowing that I have an early start to the day he transfers the hot brew into a clear flask so I can take it with me into the car. 
The water has a yellowed tinge to  it almost looks like daisies and the smell is divine like minted flowers. 

This afternoon I found my tea flask sitting on the bench and it was full. Thinking that my loving husband had refilled it for me and being that it was that time in the day when you clearly haven't drunk enough water...your so parched that your mouth feels like you've eaten the Arabian desert...I proceeded to skull the golden brew down. Yes it was a huge chug like I had been a Friday night binge drinker for years, with my friends cheering me on I the background "Drink, drink drink"  (of course I know nothing of that sort of behaviour because I am a good Mormon girl and I don't drink - alcohol that is!)


So like a fish I sculled the concoction down until it was half done...then to my utter dismay I tasted what I had thrown down my neck...it wasn't my favourite tea at all...it was a bottle of soaking dishwashing water same colour as my tea, that someone had decided to leave in the bottle to make sure it had a good clean. GULP! 

My first thought...am I going to die? The next one...read the side of the washing up liquid bottle...and the next thought...it was pretty watered down I should be okay. My mouth tastes just like it did after my Father had washed it out with soap after telling my sister to "shut up" as a kid...that was considered the worst 2 words in the world in the 70's in my family at least! 

There has been a few times my blind man has put a foreign substance in his mouth that he thought was something entirely different. Like the time he squeezed nappy rash cream onto his toothbrush and proceeded to try and clean his teeth...oh the commotion from the bathroom that night was fun to see! Husband gagging, spitting and then using the bath towel to wipe out the greasy slime from his mouth.  Me rolling around on the bed in fits of laughter...yes not too much compassion from me at times. 

But tonight was my turn for gagging! Both my blind husband and our two visiting friend all having the last laugh! Just as well I lived to tell the tale. Look on the bright side...I won't be needing to do a dietary cleans for a while...those soap suds totally did the trick!  Warning: Don't try this at home (cause you might end up with bubbles coming out your rear bubble blower...if you know what I mean...wink wink)

Nimueh from the series Merlin enchanted the chalice in a plot to poison the Arthur...I am still yet to find out who filled my flask...the guilty party has stayed very quiet...lol

http://merlin.wikia.com/wiki/The_Poisoned_Chalice

Day 4: Broken pieces don't count...right?

I once heard Tom Hanks say "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you'll get",  in my life it's a little different..."Life is like a packet of Arnotts cream filled biscuits...if you eat the broken pieces they don't count!"

#blindman always the adventure seeker

 Deano my blind hubby he has always been the optimistic type of person...someone who has never said he can't and a man who would give anything a go...even if he gets broken along the way. There have been times when when he has just thought he was invincible like when he offered to help a single mum move home, slipped in her drive way and broke his arm. He didn't tell me about the fall until later on in the evening after he had finished helping the friend move her furniture. Nope not until he was almost ready to hurl up his guts did he complain about his sore elbow. 


Then there was the time we were walking home from his office together and he ducked under a palm tree leaf without realising there was a power pole with a utility box on it on the other side of the massive dangling branch.  The poor man skinned his nose right from the bottom to the top catching the bottom of the metal utility door as he lifted his head from under the branch. 

Recently he bent down in the side yard to pick a tool up out of his tool box only to find the garbage bin had been moved into the place where he had left his tool box. Yes that too was a trip to the hospital to have a tetanus shot because he split his lip on the edge of the bin... Poor Dean looked like he had picked on by the big kid at school and had come off the worst. 
There have been countless times I've jokingly been accused of beating my poor hubby up as he has a bump on his head or a swollen nose from walking into walls, or hitting his head on cupboard doors that have been left open.

This year it was another trip to the hospital for the man who thinks he can do anything. Dean went out to the shed to fetch me out smaller printer as our large printer was out of ink. In a shed that is full of pedal go karts, he manoeuvred himself between tyres and steering wheels to make it to the back of the crowded dusty storage area. Carrying the 30kg load back through the maze was another trick. Forgetting that he had moved a bucket of cycling helmets he tripped and holding the load he lost his footing this time the weight of the printer smashing against the ground with his wrist pinned in between. Not a man to be tied down by a plaster cast one week later I found him in the kitchen with a pair of scissors cutting his arm free. The broken ones don't count right!

My #blindman bent over to do some gardening and forgot the shovel was sticking out of the dirt

It is this simple attitude of let's go for it that I love about Deano. Sometimes I feel that is why we are together he is the Yin to my Yang...I am so cautious about everything. That's the way I was brought up. My Dad was an advisor for risk management in small business and my mum...well she would never take a risk...still at age 68 says she could never ride a bike...and as a child would say stuff like...I don't recommend you take up squash you might loose an eye. Or I took an aerobics lesson once and couldn't walk the day after so it's not that fun. Lol. 

To this day I remember when I played soft ball for the first season as a teenager. I got a ground ball straight of the bat to the forehead in my first training session ever I was knocked out cold. When I came too I felt my head, it was like Frankenstein. I had a broken eye socket! When mum came to pick me up she looked at me knowingly and said something along the lines of "See I told you sports give you injuries!" I sadly never played softball again. But in saying that I really do love my mum and there are many great lessons I learned from her example. She really taught me charity and love. My mum loves everything. (Except sport) she loves her dogs so much that she chews nuts up for them...yes she is a little crazy too but that is where I get my best parts from. 

So being the crazy cautious type and Deano being a free spirited give anything a go person it's no wonder we ended up with a not so typical life..so remember when things are not perfect...the broken pieces don't count. Right!

Day 3: Pokemongo...technology drives a wife insane

Today has been a mental day...the things I have to do to make this world churn for my family. Up at 5.30am in the car by 6.15am drive 20klms to get my daughter to a religious class, from there drive the girls to school and then drive back home. 


Once at home I am involved in helping Deano chase invoices, being his eyes to read the bank statements and let him know what funds are outstanding. It's of course Deano's job to do the dirty work...putting on the washing and chasing outstanding money! Of which he is totally capable of doing. Sometimes I end up with washed in stains, or the occasional towels and whites that have turned pink when the odd coloured item gets mixed in the wash, but hey that's my excuse to go shopping and buy me some fresh towels and whites...nothing like new clean undies and fresh sweet smelling new towels! 

Our capabilities are totally matched...except when it comes to using new technology...that's when we both become unstuck. Dean uses a program called "Jaws". It's a program that will read most information on the screen...actually the program brings out my autistic traits...the monotone talking at high speed like a nagging "Rosie" the robot from the 80's cartoon The Jetsons. If my blindman could only see the daggers I'm sending his way when forgets to wear his headphones...he certainly hears my pleading "put your headphones on...it's driving me insane" Heaven help me if I had to rely on Jaws for my reading and bookwork...I think I would rather stick a rusty fork in my eye...no then I would have to use Jaws...I think that's what you call an oxymoron! 

Today was a day of new technology...with our new network marketing challenge that we've  taken on it has brought on new IT experiences that I've never had to deal with before...I had to download and work out how to use an  online webinar presentation for the first time.
Dean gives moral support which in this case is the only kind of support he can offer...he stands behind my seat and massages my shoulders...sort of like a boxing trainer pumping up the reluctant boxer ready to go back in the ring..until finally ...I conquered what I thought was unconquerable...and just like that 10 hours later I am ready to do my first online presentation.


How does one show their non-sighted husband how to use this frustrating program...I'll tell you how...I was like a little old Italian woman using all my big hand and arm expressions expressing my frustration with my whole body...Deano just standing back shaking his head, telling me to calm down...me getting up walking away and coming back about 10 thousand times so I would not put my fist through the screen...just like handling a unruly toddler I console myself...just walk away reset and try again.

I'll tell you tomorrow how I went...luckily I have a supportive team who are clicking into the webinar. If it all goes pear shape I am ready to climb into my warm bed and dream of a life that has absolutely no computer frustration only beaches with warm sand and crashing waves and mock-tails (because good Mormon girls don't drink)

#blindman finds #pokemon before his #daughter...so much for #pokemongo #technology

Day 2: The helping hound

Ahh that feeling you get when you are a woman and its that time of night to take off that bra...settle into drinking a warm cuppa and writing your nightly blog post...ahhhh (I can almost hear a Holmer Simpson sigh) 
So here we go....The things you don't think about as a sighted person...I just want to put my hand up to say I am the worst person for blind man to be married to. I get my lefts and rights mixed up, I often forget to give directions and sometimes can't even think of the words to say to give the right directions. Luckily my blindman has had 25 years of me giving him bad directions that when I say go left he automatically turns right. When I say can you pick up that thingo from next to the sink 95% of the time Deano knows what the thingo is and which sink to go to. 
Today when we got out of the car Deano walked around the car to go into the shops and went to the wrong side of the car. This is a common occurrence for us so it does not seem to faze me until I am in a bit of a rush. A friend of ours was also getting out of the car and noticed that my man was going in the wrong direction. She commented..."Dean you need a guide dog" Quickly my smart mouthed husband quipped back..."I don't need one...I have my golden retriever right here!" (Pointing to me) Don't quite know how I feel about that comment but he said it in a whimsical manner with a smile and a wink so I am guessing he doesn't consider me as his pet dog!!!  
My friend responded that at least a guide dog will not spend all the money...to which my man laughed and said "but I would have to buy it doggy treats".
Having a guide dog is something we have never seriously considered. Many people have asked us over the years when we were going to apply for one but seriously these dogs while they are a gift for some for others they are a lot of work. Dean and I have 4 daughters, whom, when little were enough work for a mother and a blind father to go a little loopy. 
Try throwing a highly trained dog into the mix, one where the girls could never cuddle or chase while he had his working harness on, a dog that can only eat at certain times, a canine that needed to be walked on the harness for up to 5klms per day to keep his skill set up and a dog that sheds hair everyday was not a situation that we thought would be conducive to either the animal or our family. We just decided that a guide dog would be ruined by our family so we have left that gift to other worthy people who need a trusty companion. 
Trust me when I say we do love animals and currently we have a beautiful rescue dog named Bruce. Along the way we have had several dogs, Moses who ran away when he found a girl friend at a house nearby, Cooper aka Super cooper the flying dog who had to be re-homed as he would jump our six foot fence in a single bound and Jackson who was a also rescue dog with a huge underbite.Our children have learned loads by looking after these beautiful creatures and we have many fond memories of each of our pets that have past.  
Perhaps one day when I no longer able to assist my blindman we might consider a guide dog. But for now the only harness I have is my bra! So grateful I can let these puppies loose at night and hubby can't see how they have drooped over the years! Blessings all round I say! 

The Challenge 60 posts in 60 days

A crazy new adventure in our life has taken over our existence  over the past 8 weeks. My blindman and I have decided to delve into the unknown world of network marketing, which we would never ever considered until a responsible energy provider decided to launch here in Australia. It gets all the environmental ticks from my greenie blindman so we decided to go for it! Last night I challenged myself to step way out of my comfort zone and go to a networking event at the Story Bridge Hotel. Now I love to chit chat but never ever have I done "speed networking". I can't tell you how many people I met at this event it was crazy, everyone trying to tell "their story" voices getting louder and louder until at one stage I was lip reading because I could not hear what the person in front of me was saying...crazy. 

So we had to tell our story in 30 seconds...mine went a little like this..."My passion is my husband. We have been married for 25 years, he has been blind since birth. I helped him through two degrees, first being environmental science, the second business. He was the first blind man along with his blind brother to cycle across Australia. He was made redundant in the Global Financial Crisis and as a result used his redundancy money to create a fun activity for the child care sector with pedal go karts. Today we run the largest pedal go kart hire company in Australia. We are also in pre-launch stages of a new responsible energy provider coming here to Australia." Then I took a deep breath and listened to the persons response and their story...so many amazing stories. 

All were entrepreneurs, some were more interesting to me than others...there was the man that had a farting dog so he decided to develop a new type of wholesome dog treats, there was a lady who was involved in outsourcing labour from overseas, there were content finders, coaches of every kind from business, life to mental illness recovery coaches, photographers, make up artists, electricians, clothing designers and accountants with a twist! 

There was one woman in particular that stood out to me....her name is Becca Saunders and she left a job she hated and moved to Australia from the UK with $500 in her wallet. Now she runs a highly successful digital marketing company called The Delicatessen in Sydney. She and I hit it off. Becca was the one person who made me feel comfortable in these awkward surrounds. We talked about our lives and she was fascinated by what I consider the mundane existence that my husband and I lead...encouraging me to get back to blogging daily. She said "people want to know your ordinary stuff...like how does a blindman pour a glass of water without it spilling?" 

So apparently that stuff that makes up our everyday life is fascinating to most of the rest of the world. Assumptions such as my house must be emasculate so my blindman can navigate around were just one of many topics of discussion...because of course if anyone knows me...they know I am not the best house keeper  so no my house is just as unkept as the next person...I have just learnt not to sweat the small stuff over time and if Deano runs into, walks over, treads on my stuff and it gets wrecked its part of life! At the same time if he trips into the washing basket he has become the most agile person on earth. He always catches himself before he falls and rarely has bad injuries to complain about, due to my messy house that is! 

So with Becca's encouragement I will continue to write my blog. This crazy and zany woman threw down the gauntlet and challenged me to write a blog for 60 days...that's 60 chapters of giggles about celebrating opportunities to learn and share with others about our abnormal, normal life.

...btw my blindman puts his index finger into the top lip of the glass to feel the water reach the top to indicate to stop pouring...you just want to hope that he has not picked his nose with that finger before he offers you a drink! (Just kidding!)

 The Deli Agency

A showreel from the Deli Agency...Becca's baby! She is amazing!